January 27, 2016. The due date of the baby we were matched with. It’s a date that’s quietly been on our hearts and minds. A date that offered some closure.

Since the Saturday in October when we received the most tragic news of D loosing her baby, a lot of life has happened. Mostly good and happy life, but there have been moments of feeling disappointed, sad, confused, frustrated, etc. Each person in our family has worked through this loss differently. Even though the baby wasn’t growing in my tummy, she was growing deep into each of our hearts and there was so much joy and anticipation for her.

Dan and I feel like we grieved and processed through it all relatively smoothly and as best as we could. Audrey (2) seemed to understand a little bit and has been very matter of fact about it all. Evan (4) took it especially hard. For about 8 weeks, he asked the same very hard questions over and over, “Why did the baby die? Why did God let that happen? Was the baby’s mommy sick? Are we going to get another baby?” Sometimes the questions were asked while he was crying and upset and other times out of curiosity and very calm. He would (and sometimes still does) casually share with friends, teachers and family that our baby died. His behavior changed in some ways. Dan and I were not expecting this and it was difficult to work through and watch him sort it all out as best as he could. Praise God he seems to have gone through his own grieving process and is back to behaving to what we’re used to. To everyone who has offered an encouraging word, listened to us share about our experience and has prayed, we are so thankful for you! Thank you.

Snuggling “our baby’s” quilt.

From the updates I’ve received, D is doing ok. Trying to make good choices and has even expressed her desire to live for Jesus (yay!). Just recently our adoption coordinator gave D the quilt that was made for her, along with a couple of other gifts and notes we had for her. She was very emotional and grateful. As I think of and pray for D, my heart still aches. She has lived so much life in 24 years – there’s a lot to carry. My final gift to her is a prayer journal. I committed to journal my prayers for her from the time we received the news about her losing the baby until the baby’s due date. I believe the Holy Spirit led me in my prayers and in sharing Scripture with her. I desperately pray it’s another gift that will reflect the kindness and love of Jesus to her.

One reason why we chose to work with Adoption Center of Hope is because of their very strong emphasis in ministering to Expectant/Birth Moms/Families. Our desire to adopt goes beyond growing our family. We desire to see our baby’s birthmom’s life changed forever. As this relates to D, I firmly believe God brought her into our lives so we could be a vessel of Jesus’ love, compassion, hope and kindness to her. Although the loss of the baby hurts, if it’s purpose is so D forever lives her life for Jesus and knows His hope, then Praise God.

This adoption process has gone nothing how we expected. In addition to our experience with D, we said “no” to one adoption opportunity and pursued adopting a baby in our extended family. We’ve had very real moments of questioning God in this, feeling confused, being very disappointed, BUT we’re also learning what it is to wait, not just to wait… to wait well, in a manner that pleases to God. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your understanding. Commit your ways to the Lord. And HE will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3. We believe God has led us to adoption and will continue down this road.

While we wait, we will trust in the Lord. We will pray for D. We will pray for the baby God has for family. We will hope in what God has for our family.

Blessings and thank you for taking the time to read about where we are at.